I wrote ‘Healing Agony’ as an engaging and accessible exploration of the issues involved in forgiving the perpetrators of very serious harm. This study guide is designed to enable groups to use it as a four session course, and to help in shaping a searching discussion of an issue with many ethical, psychological and spiritual facets.
Study Guide
This study guide divides the book into four sessions – each of which covers three chapters.
It offers a very brief summary of each chapter, followed by six questions. The first three questions are designed to encourage deeper personal reflection on key issues and help readers connect with the ideas and stories. The second three questions are ‘conversation starters’ for a group discussion. There is one of both for each chapter.
It might be that some of the questions for personal reflection also work in the group contexts. But groups and their leaders should be aware that this subject can be difficult for some people for reasons they may not be ready to share with a group.
Session 1: Chapters 1 – 3
Chapter 1: You Can’t Just Flip Your Feelings
This chapter sets the scene for the book, suggesting that we do not fully understand forgiveness until we have faced a real forgiveness challenge. This can come when we experience something ‘unforgiveable’ or when we enter imaginatively into the experience of others.
Chapter 2: The Wilderness of Hurt
Readers are introduced to the wilderness of hurt and an analysis of its terrain is offered.
Chapter 3: After Torture
In this chapter we dwell on two well-known but very different books The Railway Man by Eric Lomax and The Sunflower by Simon Wiesenthal. We see what light these accounts throw on the reality of life in the desert places of the wilderness of hurt.
Prompts for Deeper Personal Reflection
1. What do you think you might have said in the situation described at the opening of the book (p 1-3)?
2. Can you recall a personal example of each of the four levels of hurt?
3. Do you find it easier to relate to Eric Lomax’s story or Simon Wiesenthal’s?
Conversation Starters
1. To what extent do you agree with the C S Lewis quote (p 6)?
2. Have you ever tried the ‘pancake manoeuvre’ (p 6)? How did it work out?
3. ‘Real forgiveness stories have a multithreaded quality’ (p 45). Does this ring true for you?
Session 2: Chapters 4 – 6
Chapter 4: A Duty to Forgive?
This is the first of two chapters which engage with what we can learn about forgiveness from Jesus. Whereas chapter 7 explores what we learn from his actions and prayers, this chapter reflects on his teaching. It begins by examining the forgiving response of the Amish people of Nickel Mines after an atrocity in which five schoolgirls were shot, and focuses on the question of whether forgiveness is a duty.
Chapter 5: Anger, Resentment and Grudge
This chapter is a careful analysis of some key concepts which need to be understood alongside forgiveness, in particular the responses of ‘anger’ and ‘resentment’ and the habit of holding a grudge.
Chapter 6: After Murder
Chapter 6 explores what forgiveness might mean after a murder. Again we dwell on two stories: those of Gordon Wilson of Enniskillen and Marian Partington whose sister Lucy was killed by Frederick and Rosemary West.
Prompts for Deeper Personal Reflection
1. Imagine you had been part of the Nickel Mines Community. Would you have been one of the first to seek to befriend the gunman’s family?
2. Think through your grudges. Can you sort them into two categories: bad grudges and good grudges?
3. On p 107 the word ‘poetry’ suddenly appears in Marian Partington’s account. What did you make of that when you read it? What do you think of the subsequent paragraph?
Conversation Starters
1. What do we mean when we pray, “forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us?” And what do those words not mean?
2. How many words or phrases can you think of to describe anger? What might a richer vocabulary of forgiving include?
3. Do you feel that Gordon Wilson’s story and Marian Partington’s are quite similar to each other or quite different? Share your thinking generously with each other.
Session 3: Chapters 7 – 9
Chapter 7: Forgiveness as Spirituality.
In chapter 7 we look carefully at the theme of forgiveness in the passion, death and resurrection of Jesus. It is in this chapter that the ‘agony’ of forgiveness comes into focus.
Chapter 8: Forgiver Syndrome
In chapter 8 we look at several ways in which the desire to forgive can be unhelpful: ‘forgiveness boosterism’ and ‘forgiveness syndrome’. It is a plea for modesty and realism alongside confidence and generosity in forgiving.
Chapter 9: Visiting Evil
Chapter 9 is an extended reflection on the book A Human Being Died That Night by Pumla Gobodo-Madikizela in which she describes her experiences and feelings in visiting and getting to know the jailed former South African police colonel, Eugene de Kock. It introduces the concept of ‘distasteful empathy’.
Prompts for Deeper Personal Reflection
1. Do you agree with the suggestion that “Gethsemane is in some ways darker and more dangerous than even the cross”? (p 122)
2. Have you ever experienced ‘forgiver syndrome’? Was that in yourself or in others?
3. Have another look at the chapter identifying all the moments of physical touch. What do you feel, reflecting on these?
Conversation Starters
1. Was Jesus a forgiving person?
2. When is it right to encourage other people to be more forgiving? Why must it sometimes be unhelpful?
3. “The victim with a forgiving heart takes an empathic interest in the person of the perpetrator” (p 173). Please discuss what makes this
a) difficult
b) possible
Session 4: Chapters 10 – 12
Chapter 10: Re-imagining Forgiveness
Chapter 10 summarises one way in which forgiveness might be re-imagined. It suggests not a process but a map of the territory which needs to be navigated in the aftermath of hurt. It suggests that forgiveness is not something which is done but which emerges.
Chapter 11: A Forgiving Heart
Chapter 11 is by far the shortest in the book. It explores four qualities of a forgiving heart: empathy, hope, faith and justice.
Chapter 12: The Gifts of the Wise
The final chapter suggests that those who seek to be companions to any who are thrust into the wilderness of hurt need to be equipped with three clusters of gifts. These are presented as the gifts of the wise: gold, frankincense and myrrh.
Prompts for Deeper Personal Reflection
1. Think back to a time when you have been challenged by forgiveness. Can you retrace your steps after arriving in the wilderness of hurt?
2. Which of the four qualities do you feel most challenged by?
3. What is your gold?
Conversation Starters
1. How helpful do you find the suggestion that forgiveness emerges?
2. Using Desmond Tutu’s prayer (p 202) discuss what you feel are the most important qualities of a forgiving heart.
3. Can the group agree on a ‘person specification’ for someone who would be your companion if you were subject to a shattering hurt?
To buy Healing Agony online go to either of:
http://www.continuumbooks.com/books/detail.aspx?BookId=159013&SubjectId=1046&Subject2Id=914
Many thanks for writing this very helpful blog, Offering the insights noted in Chapter 5, it links aspects of experience that seem quite unforgiving to the very real prospect of a journey towards renewal and transformation. Changing a pit into a gate.
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