‘The Futility of Forgiveness’ is the title of a thoughtful article in the July 2012 edition of Prospect magazine. The author, Richard Wilson, reflects on the ethical and emotional struggle he has experienced since his sister’s murder in Burundi. Friends want him to forgive, but he is not so sure.
As the article explains, a quick tour though some recent writing about forgiveness has done nothing to remove his uncertainty. Noting that the murderers have ‘neither admitted responsibility nor apologised’ and that their group continues to ambush and kill civilians, he concludes ‘it seems to me that there are good reasons for retaining a measure of indignation, perhaps even resentment’.
He is right, of course.
That might not seem like a Christian thing to say. But it is consistent with the view of forgiveness I develop in my book ‘Healing Agony: Re-imagining Forgiveness’. My points there are that forgiveness takes time, is a journey, and involves generosity, trust and courage. But more profoundly, I argue that forgiveness is one of those things that we cannot achieve by effort. Like falling asleep or forgetting something, it can only happen provided we don’t try to make it happen.
So while forgiveness is a wonderful thing, trying to forgive is often a misdirected exercise. (Which in turn means that suggesting or urging someone else to forgive can be extremely misguided.)
Yes, St Paul urges the early Christians to forgive each other and Jesus sees a deep connection between our capacity to forgive others and our ability to relate with God. But we are not talking about forgiveness after the kind of hurt or harm which in ‘Healing Agony’ I call ‘shattering’. We are talking here about repairing the smaller hurts and harms that occur in everyday life and relationships.
I take second place to no one in my admiration of people who can come to forgive those who have hurt them very deeply, whether directly or indirectly. But I feel with equal passion a bond of connection with those for whom talk of forgiveness makes no sense and is an outrage of justice and feeling.
Forgiving someone who has really, deeply hurt you is to my mind the moral and spiritual equivalent of giving say, two-thirds of your salary away every year to the poor. Or maybe giving your home to Shelter while you take a small flat in the part of town where the prices are lowest. When we talk of forgiveness after atrocity we are talking of spiritual heroics. And anyone with a bit of self-awareness will recognise that they are not in that league.
Some people do find themselves moving in the forgiving direction. But to do so too quickly is perhaps to fail to honour the demands of justice or to give place to the spiritual work of grief, loss and even rage.
Stories of forgiveness are wonderful –Â but rare, and there is often a far longer period of time between the harming event and the eventual forgiveness than the storyteller points out.
Stories of forgiveness are wonderful, but the honest storyteller will also add that, as I heard someone put it., ‘forgiveness is fluid’. You may have forgiven on Tuesday night but on Wednesday morning you can be back in the place of outrage.
Stories of forgiveness are wonderful. But unless they have a few – or more – chapters set in the wilderness of hurt we might just wonder about how realistic they are.
True forgiveness, in my view, is the work of God in the human heart. If I am right then we can confidently say three things about it.
1. It can’t be forced by us.
2. It won’t be forced on us.
3. It will never contradict God’s values of justice or truth.
Forgiveness is not futile. But in the aftermath of shattering hurt and deeply unjust harm certain kinds of effort, and most kinds or ethical urging, are.
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Finally – I am deeply mindful that I write this on July 7th. I remember with compassion all those who were cast into the wilderness of hurt on this day 2005.
This is a real comfort to read. I have been struggling for eighteen months to forgive my husband for a horrendously hurtful and destructive affair and have recently begun to acknowledge the sad truth that I can’t. I feel a sense of peace at this acknowledgement and realise I’ve been beating myself up painfully for being unable to do so: the flaw of failing to forgive has seemed crippling at times- if I were a better person I’d be able to, etc. I’ve been brought up to ‘know’ that forgiveness is the moral, generous, loving path, the ‘right’ thing to do and have always assumed, I suppose, that knowing it’s the path to aspire to would in itself be enough to accomplish it should I ever need to. But it’s not. Thank you for setting me somewhat freer from labouring under the guilt of this.
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Thank you for this very helpful and sensitive, honest article. Really helpful.
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Thanks, Matt.
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[…] Is Forgiveness Futile? (stephencherry.wordpress.com) […]
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I reckon in the end forgiving is a supremely selfish act in the right way, because it brings to an end the effect of the hurt on us. It’s a taking back of the power. It’s the supreme act of non-violent assertiveness. But it’s very hard to do when it is someone else who has been hurt or even killed. Re the Cross, maybe Jesus found it easier to forgive than Mary.
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Interesting point. Bishop Tutu talks like this, and it is connected in wiht various psychologicval approaches. But I am not sure it is right. I think the ‘selfish’ or ‘self-interested’ approach it makes it very difficult to understand, say, forgiveness in the aftermath of an indirect hurt – say if a loved one is tortured and killed. Forgiveness is always a gift from the heart of the self. We are better for giving, but that does not make giving selfish. Rather selfishness undermines the capacity truly to give or forgive. I realise this is deep – may blog separatley about it sometime.
Many thanks for the comment.
s
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I think it should never be faked, and when it’s an “organic” process coming about sincerely, it will take time. People should be allowed that time….but ultimately, forgiveness and prayers for those who have wounded us helps *us*, protects our own hearts and minds.
Forgiveness is the Fruit of Love
(http://morningoffering.blogspot.com/)
“Our Lord Jesus Christ, while hanging on the cross, asked the Father to forgive his murderers because they did not know what they were doing (Luke 23:34). This was the fruit of love. If we immerse ourselves in God’s love and learn to love everyone we will have acquired the heart of God and love will permeate every aspect of our life. The Lord told us we must even love our enemies, a feat that is impossible without the grace of God empowering us.” ~ Abbot Tryphon
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Lovely quote from Abbot Tryphon. I think that maybe the key is somehow to utter that first prayer for the one who has hurt you. S
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Excellent blog on forgiveness, sometimes we are expected to forgive before we are ready. I once read that forgiveness is good until you have something to forgive. It is very good when we are ready in our own minds.
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Many thanks. I think you are thinking of something C.S Lewis wrote in ‘Mere Christianity’. Roughly – Forgiveness is a great idea until you really have something to forgive. And that leads on to Derrida’s point – real forgiveness is impossible forgiveness.
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